You're More Loved Than You Know
by hmweasley
Summary: When Tonks was a child, she adored her cousin Sirius. Years later, she doesn't expect to meet him when she joins the Order. She expects even less to fall in love with his best friend.


**A/N: This was written for the following seasonal challenges on the Hogwarts Challenges and Assignments forum: Days of the Year - Cousin's Day (write about cousins), Shay's Musical Challenge - Bandstand (write about caring for someone who lost a loved one), Gryffindor Challenge (characters) - Sirius Black, and Gryffindor Challenge (traits) - arrogant. Word count: 2,895**

 **You're More Loved Than You Know**

Tonks was packing her things, preparing to say goodbye to her childhood bedroom for the last time, when she thought of Sirius for the first time in years. She smiled as she looked at the photograph of the two of them that she'd found buried under clothes she no longer wore in a drawer. Her toddler self sat in Sirius' lap, laughing as he tickled her sides. She smiled at the happiness on both their faces. The last photograph she'd seen of her cousin had been much different.

She'd been two years old when she'd met Sirius for the first time. At the time, she hadn't yet grown curious about why her extended family consisted only of the Muggles on her father's side. When Sirius had first visited, she'd been thrilled to have another wizard in the family, and she'd adored him immediately. There were no cousins on her father's side, and she wasn't going to let the age difference between her and Sirius keep her from appreciating her new one.

Sirius had played with her without complaint, happily crawling around on all fours or pulling funny faces if it made her laugh. It was easy for her to forget he was an adult because he didn't act like any of the ones she knew.

His visits came in waves. He'd come frequently for a while. Then she wouldn't see him for months or, once, a year. Tonks had never understood why that was, but her parents acted as if it was to be expected. Still, he'd had an enormous impact on her as a child, even in his absences.

When she thought back on her childhood, so many moments were coloured by his influence.

" _But I can't do that!" Tonks cried, tilting her head back to look where Sirius was pointing at the lowest branch of the tree. "I'll fall!"_

" _If you fall, I'll catch you," Sirius said. "It's not that far. See?"_

 _He reached out to touch the branch to prove his words. He could rest his palm flat against the bottom of it with his feet still flat on the ground, but Tonks, not fooled, scowled at him. Tonks may have been a big girl who went to primary school without spoiling secrets, but she wasn't an adult either._

" _You're big, Sirius," she said with a hand on her hip. "It's far for_ me _!"_

 _She waved her finger at him like her mother did when she was angry._

" _Come on, Nymphadora," Sirius encouraged. "Where's the characteristic Black family arrogance? You'll never make it if you don't believe in yourself."_

 _Tonks wasn't sure if she actually counted as a Black. Sirius was the only one of those she knew. But she narrowed her eyes and gave a short nod of determination regardless._

 _Zeroing in on the trunk of the tree and nothing else, she began to climb, finding hand and foot holds as Sirius had instructed her to minutes before. Sirius shouted encouragements and advice as she went, standing close by in case she tumbled to the ground._

 _But she didn't tumble; she made it to the branch. She laughed as she draped herself over it and carefully maneuvered to be sitting, one arm around the trunk. Looking around the garden from her new vantage point, she noticed that everything was different. It was strange to suddenly feel as if your own back garden was foreign. It thrilled her._

" _Okay, okay," Sirius said with a chuckle at her puffed out chest. "Don't get_ too _full of yourself. That's still the lowest branch."_

 _She scowled down at him._

" _I can go higher."_

 _Sirius laughed._

" _I've created a monster."_

 _That didn't stop him from guiding her to the next highest branch._

The lack of a schedule to Sirius' visits meant that it took Tonks a long time to realize how long it had been since she'd last seen him. When she'd asked her mother about it, Andromeda had been vague with her excuses, saying only that Sirius wouldn't be visiting for a while and that it was for the best.

That had been the biggest disappointment Tonks had experienced at that point in her life. By then, she'd done her best to mold herself after the big cousin she idolized. She'd tried adopting Sirius' characteristic arrogance (much to Andromeda's chagrin) and tried to pull pranks like the ones he'd shared stories of, even though they usually failed got her into trouble.

She'd thought Sirius would be proud of her when he came back. To find out he wouldn't even know had hurt more than she'd known was possible.

Of course, time had gone on, and Tonks had learned how to move past her disappointment. By the time she started Hogwarts, she had hardly a thought to spare for the cousin she hadn't seen in years. Their relationship was a relic of the past, one that Tonks could look back on fondly without feeling the pain she had as a young girl.

* * *

While Tonks trusted Moody not to lead her to her death without proper warning, she felt uneasy as they crossed over the threshold of the Order of the Phoenix headquarters. She had yet to wrap her mind around the fact that she'd been asked to join, let alone that she was being trusted with the location of their headquarters.

Her eyes scanned the entrance hall, taking in how dark everything was in both lighting and colour. Moody looked over his shoulder at her and held a finger to his lips, prompting Tonks to carefully watch her step. She wanted to make a good first impression.

She maneuvered past an umbrella stand she knew was going to give her trouble in the future and succeeded in not falling down the sudden step that came as they descended into the kitchen. Something about the house told her that there were numerous troubles to be uncovered at a later date.

There were only two people in the kitchen, and they seemed to have been having a serious discussion before Moody swung open the door. Tonks' gaze narrowed in on one of the men with shoulder-length black hair and a sallow face before her brain could figure out why she was drawn to him.

It only took her a second to recognize it was Sirius, though he looked like the man in the wanted posters and not the one she remembered from her childhood. She had her wand drawn in less than a second.

Moody's hand shot out to wrap around her wrist and push her arm down, causing Tonks to gape at him in disbelief.

"Great job, Tonks," he said with the same tone he'd used through much of her Auror training. "Nice to see my hard work paid off, but you won't be needing that now. Black here is a member of the Order. This is his family's house."

Tonks blinked a few times.

"A member of the Order?" she repeated in disbelief.

Questions ran through her mind, and she couldn't decide which to ask first.

"How? You're a wanted criminal."

She directed the last statement at Sirius and was unnerved at the smile he offered back. There was pain in his eyes, but he didn't look crazed the way he had in all the wanted posters.

After his escape from Azkaban, she'd tried to prepare herself for possibly facing him when he was caught. She thought she'd succeeded, but this was unlike any of the scenarios she'd been capable of imagining.

"I am," Sirius said with a short laugh that made Tonks' stomach twist uneasily. "I was framed for murder by Peter Pettigrew."

"Pettigrew," Tonks said faintly, sinking into an uncomfortable wooden chair across from Sirius before her legs gave out.

She paid little attention to the unfamiliar man in the room, though she knew she should have thanked him when he placed a cup of tea in front of her.

"You killed Pettigrew."

Sirius laughed harder, throwing his head back in a way that made him look more like the criminal on the wanted posters. It sent a chill down her spine.

"I tried to," he admitted, "but I didn't actually kill him. It was Peter who was James and Lily's secret keeper. It was him who betrayed them. I went after him to get revenge, and when I found him, he faked his own death to get me sent to Azkaban. Dumbledore learned the whole story after I escaped, and here we are."

He held out his arms as if he were presenting a grand space to her, but there was little of interest in the kitchen they occupied. Though the Order must have been using the house for several months at least, everything appeared to be covered in a layer of grime.

Tonks blinked several times, willing herself not to cry.

"You're innocent?"

Sirius' smile dimmed at the disbelief in her voice, and he shifted uneasily in his seat.

"It would seem so," he said, failing to add any of the humor Tonks had once been used to.

Tonks stood abruptly, her chair scraping against the floor.

"Excuse me."

Sirius gave a short nod and called after her, "Be careful in the hallway. My mum's portrait doesn't like being disturbed."

* * *

It was easy enough to find an empty room to cry in. Tonks could see that the house was full of them. She was pretty sure the room she was in had once been used as a parlor, but the decor made it look like something out of a Muggle horror movie. It didn't help that she hadn't bothered to light a lamp before succumbing to her tears, leaving the room in the shadows created by what little late afternoon light was making it through the thick curtains.

She had no idea how long she'd been crying when there was a knock against the doorframe. She jumped and turned to see that she hadn't shut the door behind her.

Standing in the doorway was the man who had been with Sirius in the kitchen. Tonks watched with ambivalence as he took one step into the room and came to a stop.

"Mind if I take a seat?"

He motioned at one of the chairs across from Tonks that was a horrific chartreuse, and she shrugged. This wasn't her house; she had no right to tell this man where he could or couldn't go. She had her suspicions that he knew the house better than she did.

She watched him as he took a seat. For several moments, they were silent as tears trickled down Tonks' cheeks.

Tonks took the opportunity to catalogue the man's features for the first time. He had looked old at first glance, but looking closer, she thought he was younger—and more handsome—than she'd first guessed. Time just hadn't been kind to him.

Scars were scattered across his face and hands, which intrigued her. There had to be a reason for them. He wasn't an Auror, and the only other explanation she could think of was that he worked with dark creatures, but he didn't have the demeanor of someone who had such a dangerous job.

"You worried Sirius."

Tonks blinked a few times before answering.

"If I worried Sirius, why are _you_ in here talking to me?"

The man shrugged uncomfortably, and Tonks sank deeper into the couch in shame. It was Sirius she was angry with, not this man she didn't know.

"He spent twelve years being tormented by dementors," the man said in a whisper she could hardly hear. "He's worried, but I've realized over the past couple years that he's not sure how to express some things anymore."

Tonks' cheeks burned as some of her anger dissipated. But only some.

"Why didn't he come to my family?" she asked, knowing it was something she should only have asked Sirius himself. "To my mum? She would have helped him."

The man's smile was dark.

"And asked her to harbour a wanted criminal? Especially when her daughter is an Auror?"

With a growl, Tonks slid down as low as possible on the couch. The man grinned at her, and she was torn between annoyance and amusement.

"So, you've known he's alive? Who are you?"

His lips thinned before he answered.

"Sorry, I should have introduced myself earlier. I'm Remus Lupin. Sirius and I were friends at Hogwarts. I was the Hogwarts Defence professor the year before Moody. Now I'm a member of the Order of the Phoenix again."

"Again?" Tonks straightened her posture. "So you were here the first time around?"

He gave a short nod.

"As was Sirius," he said.

Tonks sucked in a breath.

"Of course he was."

She thought about the long periods of time when Sirius hadn't visited her as a child and filled in the gaps with Death Eater encounters and secret jobs he never could have shared with a toddler.

"He's mentioned you before."

Tonks froze, looking at Remus with wide eyes.

"Me?" she asked quietly. "Really?"

Sirius had been an important facet of her childhood, but somehow, she'd never imagined him sharing stories of her to others. Actually, she hadn't thought much about his life when he wasn't with her.

Remus nodded. His eyes travelled around the room, looking anywhere but at Tonks as he spoke.

"He's been going on about talking about how much he wants to see people again since he got back. You're high on that list. He's been wondering what you're doing, how you'd react to seeing him, and that sort of thing. When Moody mentioned he had an Auror who he wanted to join us, Sirius was so shocked to hear your name that he went silent for nearly an hour. That's a big feat for Sirius."

Tonks laughed, her stomach unknotting for the first time since she'd seen her cousin's face.

"It is," she said. "I remember that much."

She and Remus shared a smile.

"I should go talk to him," she said.

"You should," Remus said.

Though he smiled at her, Tonks could see the sadness in his eyes. Her mind was telling her to go to Sirius, but there was another part of her that wanted to sit with Remus longer. She still didn't know the source of his scars, and something told her there was far more than that to learn.

But that would have to wait. She needed to speak to her cousin. If they were fighting a war together, she'd have time for getting to know Remus Lupin later.

* * *

Less than a year.

That was how long she had Sirius back before he was gone, and this time around, there was no way he was coming back.

The hallways of Grimmauld Place were darker than they'd been the first time she'd hurried through them. Tonks shuddered as she progressed further and further into the house. Most of the others had gone to the Burrow or their homes; none wanted to be at Grimmauld Place after what had happened.

No one except one. When Tonks had asked around and no one had seen him, she'd known exactly where Remus was.

His sobs echoed down the hall as she went. The sound was coming from inside Sirius' bedroom. Tonks hesitated in front of the door. She'd never been inside it and didn't entirely like the idea of going in after his death. Especially when Remus might have preferred to be alone.

Her heart hurt though, and she knew his was in a worse state.

She knocked, and his crying abruptly stopped. She didn't breathe again until he'd opened the door and was watching her with red-rimmed eyes. For a few moments, they were silent.

"You should be with your family," he said, voice raw.

"I couldn't let you stay here alone. My mum has Dad; they're fine."

Remus hesitated, glancing behind him.

"This place is a mess," he said quietly. "We should go to the kitchen."

Tonks didn't argue as he shut the door behind himself. They could work their way up to dealing with Sirius' things; she wasn't ready to see them yet. Remus was her priority. She watched his back as he lead her towards the kitchen.

As he prepared their tea, she remained standing, ready to rush in and help if needed. Even once she was seated with a cup of tea in hand, she couldn't take her eyes off Remus, while he was adamant on staring at the table.

Over the past year, she'd learned a lot about Remus Lupin, and this was the most uncomposed she'd seen him, even if the tears were gone.

She admired him more than he knew, but telling him that would only make Sirius' passing harder for the both of them.

Instead, she reached across the table to give his hand a squeeze. Though he didn't look up, he squeezed back, and Tonks felt some of the weight disappear from her stomach.

* * *

Two years later, as she watched the green light of Avada Kedavra hurtle towards her, Tonks thought only of Remus and Teddy. So much had changed since Sirius' death. She'd been overjoyed seeing Remus learn that others loved him too.

If she had to die to end the war, she could accept it. At least Remus and Teddy had each other. In her final seconds, that gave her peace.


End file.
